that weirdo with five colours in her hair

Sometimes, I get stuck writing. Everyone does right? I wrote this long essay detailing what I consider to be my pivotal life moments, in an attempt to share an overall changing view, and now I just don’t care.

Because while I sit here and drink my now cold tea, which is still incredibly calming, and listen to Caspian’s “Moksha”, I realize, I am not my moments. I am not even my stories. I am not my circumstances. I am me, and these are what helped to shape me.

Last Saturday, January 14th, was my three year Tumblr Anniversary. Above, I have included one picture from around this time for each of those years. The physical changes aren’t drastic, but still apparent.

And through this process of writing, I think these are the two most important points I have come to actualize. I am not my circumstances, and while my choices may be drastic (moving, pursuing ambitions), the changes of pursuing them are not, and no one is really surprised by my choices. I have removed the people who are surprised by my choices.

After weeks of thought, many conversations, and today so full of conversation, “Moksha” is the only song that makes sense; literally “release”, is the liberation from samsara and the concomitant suffering involved in being subject to the cycle of repeated death and reincarnation or rebirth. Raised with a Buddhist background, I understand this concept.

Over time, we are going to continually run into walls. Life is a cycle. I am trying to trudge through these trenches, and finally see the glimmering hope of purpose, free from burden.

My mom said 2012 is going to be the year. She’s right.

So in four years what have I learned? Nothing I didn’t already know, but to an extent I never knew.

I can go anywhere and do anything I want. I CAN take care of myself. I can put myself first. I can be comfortable. I can be strong. I can be loved. And I can love.

And I can be undeniably happy, if only I let myself.

Because given the choice between “being happy” and “coping”, shouldn’t I choose to be happy?

I think so.